I'm not even sure where to begin. It's been so long since I last posted, and the season our family is in right now is so different from 6 months ago.
I remember after going through Hurricane Katrina and all that went with it, I wondered how I would handle the next life-altering trial. I mean, let's be honest. Jesus promised that life in this world would be hard. And it is. So, it wasn't a question of if I'd go through another difficult experience, but when. And here's some more honesty for you...I did not handle the aftermath of Katrina the way a God-fearing woman should. I was determined not to do it that way again.
So, here we are in the midst of fostering two precious girls with the hope and intention of adopting them, and I find myself asking, am I truly trusting the Lord through this trial? Do I believe He will protect these girls and continue taking care of my family? Do I trust His sovereignty, plan, ways, thoughts, and timing? Am I trying to manipulate the system and those "in charge," so I can get my way and fulfill my goals? You see, we have no clue at this moment if we will remain a family of 6 for much longer. There's a good chance we could go from 4 kiddos to 2 in a matter of hours. How do you prepare yourself for that? Honestly, I don't know. If anyone does, I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.
So what if the girls are taken? Is God no longer good? Does He not love us as much as we thought He did? Will He quit caring for and protecting the girls? The answer is a clear and resounding NO!
Not too long ago, I needed a lunch date with the Lord. I asked a friend if I could spend that time at one of my favorite places in town, which happened to be on her property. She graciously agreed, and I was able to share 2 hours of uninterrupted time with my Abba. It was so good. Not too far into the conversation, I began complaining to the Lord about how our desire and goal was to adopt these girls. That's been our goal since the beginning. And up until a little over a month ago, everyone said it would happen. God allowed me to gripe for a few minutes and then He gently reminded me (we're so unworthy of His gentle ways, yet He's so gracious!) that adoption is not His goal. His goal is that He receive the most glory, whatever that takes. Bam! And all I could say was, "Yes, Lord!"
And then I heard, "What if you never adopt? What if I ask you to continue fostering and it never leads to adoption? Will it be worth it? Am I worth it?" And again, I had to say, "Yes, Lord!" Because He is! He is worth every tear I cry, every visit I have to take the girls to and from, every tantrum the older one throws because she's confused and scared; He's worth it all.
I've resolved that for however long we have these children (even our biological ones...we're not promised tomorrow with anyone), I will love them wholeheartedly, trusting that He is their ultimate protector and provider. He sees all, He knows the future, and His plan is so much better than any I could come up with. I simply must trust and obey.
"Not to us, O Lord , not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!"